Mistrust in Trust

"It's a me problem"

Hello everyone, I hope you are doing well. Last week I touched upon perfectionism, which some of you found relatable. This week, I have decided to post about something I personally struggle with and that is trust. In fact, I know plenty of people that do struggle with trust. Let’s be honest, it is not easy. You are expected to have faith in people to not hurt you without having 100% assurance. Unfortunately, we can never have that 100% assurance because we are not living inside of other people’s bodies to know what they are up to every second. This world is full of deceptive, selfish snakes that slither around in human skin that it is difficult to take someone’s words or actions at face value. Yet in order to form solid bonds, we need trust.

For people with trust issues, forming bonds is terrifying and uncomfortable. You are constantly analysing this person in order to figure out whether this person is harmful. You observe every word and every movement to catch them out. You overthink every word and every movement to see if trusting them is worth it. You are always on your toes because you are afraid of getting hurt. This often makes forming or keeping bonds very difficult, because without trust you cannot seal a bond. This toxic trait causes a lot of frustration yet it is hard to let go of it, because this trait has served as a shield this whole time.

Those of you without trust issues often struggle to understand us. In your heads you are probably thinking “I am at risk of getting hurt too, I am human too, I trust you why can’t you trust me?”. First of all, I would like to apologise to you for making you feel that way and second of all, people don’t have trust issues for no reason. There are plenty of reasons as to why one may develop trust issues. However, all those reasons have one thing in common and that is a person they once trusted. Be it a friend, a family member or a partner.

Those of you with trust issues I have a lot to tell you. Our trust issues can protect us but it could also harm us. Those of us who developed trust issues at a very young age spent a lot of time hiding in a shell, that we never got the chance to truly learn about the world and grow as people. Furthermore, without trust, it is difficult to form, keep or rekindle bonds that we often fail to give amazing people a spot in our hearts. For all we know, these people may help us heal, grow and add a lot of value and happiness to our lives. Yet our trust issues acts as a shield against them too. We learn skills and lessons and build support networks through mingling with other people. If there is anything I have learnt in the past year, it is that trust is essential for growth.

So how can we overcome these trust issues? The truth is that “old habits die hard”. It is never going to be easy to trust someone but it is not impossible. Additionally, just because you learn to trust someone it does not mean that you will be able to trust others quickly. It will always take you a lot of time and effort to trust someone. However, there are ways to overcome your trust issues. To make things easier I have decided to list it out for you.

1) Take your time

If you struggle with trust issues, it is ok, take your time. Take your time to get to know the person you are interested in. With time you will learn enough about the person to realise that they are trustworthy.

2) List the reasons as to why you can trust them everytime you can’t

There are certain things that this person may have done that screams “I won’t hurt you!!!”. There are certain qualities that you can look out for to help you trust someone (ADD THIS TO YOUR LIST):

  • They are always truthful. They will always tell you the truth even if the truth hurts.

  • They would not even hurt a stranger. If they won’t hurt a stranger then you are the last person they would hurt.

  • Deception and back-stabbing angers them as much as it angers you

  • They have selfless tendencies. Do they put other people’s needs, especially your needs before theirs? Yeah they won’t hurt you hun, they are far too busy trying to make you happy LOL

  • They give you a lot of time, effort and attention. No one would spend hours and hours with you if they don’t like or love you

  • Enough people can vouch for them

  • Your trusted family members trust them

  • They get upset seeing you upset. No one would cry when you cry unless they love you

  • They respect your boundaries. If they respect you they won’t hurt you

  • You have seen their negative traits already. If you have seen their flaws or have been told about their flaws by them then chances are, they are genuine.

3) Think about the possible best case scenarios

This is applicable to romantic relationships. I have decided to give you some examples of where your trust issues may flare up when they don’t need to

Example 1: Your partner has gone out with their mates and you have not heard from them for hours. Don’t always assume that they are doing something wrong, they could just be having laughs or an interesting conversation with their mates. Do you not spend several hours chilling with your friends? It’s the same thing.

Example 2: Your partner is on their phone when they should be sleeping. Some people scroll through social media in order to have a wind down before bed. I sometimes listen to music before falling asleep. Some people have the tendency to wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to fall asleep and so they pass time on their phone. I would like to remind you that Instagram and YouTube are addictive platforms, that even if there is nothing to watch, you will still mindlessly scroll through it. In this digital age we all spend hours staring at our screen without actually speaking to anyone. If you are still having doubts, talk to them about it without sounding accusatory or give it time because time will expose their habits.

Example 3: They have friends of the opposite gender. This usually stresses a lot of people out. If your partner is able to maintain a truly platonic relationship with the opposite gender, then that means that they do not see the opposite gender as meat. They can still respect the opposite gender and view them as humans. Not everyone wants to shag anything that walks. Furthermore, we are not going find every single person in the world attractive, we all have a type and our true love would always be the most beautiful person to us. So I rest my case.

4) Listen to your gut

There is your brain and there is your gut. Do you find yourself struggling to trust someone yet you don’t want to let them go, you always run to them for help, you can comfortably tell them your secrets, you share your happiness and sorrows with them, you experience a strange level of ease and comfort when you are with them and you feel safe around them. That is your intuition telling you that they are trustworthy.

5) Ask yourself whether there is definite proof that this person is untrustworthy

If there is no solid proof that could confirm that your lack of trust in them is valid then you are wasting your time stressing out.

There are good people out there. There are people who would love you so much that they will make your mundane days special. There are people who teach you valuable lessons and help you grow. It is worth putting your neck on the line for people like them.

Those of you who have earned my trust, thank you for your kindness, support and patience. That’s it for today! Sorry for posting late I was procrastinating. Please like, share and subscribe to my posts. I shall see you all next week hope you have a lovely week!

Love,

Akshi